I’m currently surrounded by boxes of unopened products, as I attempt to clear out in order to move, two things have become clear; firstly I need to actually start using this stuff up (I’m literally surrounded) and secondly, I don’t actually know how to use most of this stuff, it lead me to think about how hard being a girl really is and how I really suck at it.
What the hell is toner? Do I need to use it? And if so, when in my skincare “routine”? (I’m not entirely sure you can class it as a routine at this point, but I’m getting there.) These are the kind of questions I’m asking myself as I look through all my crap. Why don’t I already know this stuff? Does everybody else? I thought I’d share with you some other stories of how I’ve failed at this kind of stuff over the years, in the hope that I entertain you, stop you from making the same mistakes, and more importantly someone will reach out and become my guru.
NEVER EVER PANIC TAN – and don’t use ultra dark fake tan if you’re pale
In case you’ve been in a hole for the last ten years and totally missed the TOWIE memo, girls from Essex are usually known for their sun-kissed appearance (maybe a little too sun kissed some might argue). I wanted to dispel the myth that all girls from Essex do in fact come out of the womb with the know-how of tanning. In fact, it’s something that only last week I managed to truly F up. I thought I was being so good I started gradual tanning a week in advance in order to get the desired look for my graduation, however, after messaging my friends who all sounded so prepared with their tans I panicked. “I am not tanned enough” I told myself, so I slapped on some fake tan that night and left it overnight. Unfortunately I was quite tipsy at that point and in the morning I looked and I had in fact missed the back of my arms (I wish I had a picture to show you the line where my tan met my naturally pale skin.) I’d not even attempted my back, my legs were fine but they still were pretty pale, and my hands were patchy, even my palms were a little orange (despite using a mitt).
Attempt number 2: I learnt my lesson and got some help, they covered my back and made sure my arms were fully covered. This all was going pretty well until I decided that the medium shade hadn’t been dark enough for my legs, ohh yes! I did it, I picked up the ultra dark fake tan bottle and covered my legs in it. Long story short my legs were pretty damn dark despite several showers and scrubbing for my graduation. Oh also I figured as my dress covered them my belly and the top of my legs didn’t need to be tanned so those lines were real sexy (lucky boyfriend!!)
Don’t mess with your eyebrows – they never grow back right!!
One thing that I love doing is reminiscing, in particular I love looking through photos of old memories, there’s one thing that sticks out to me though; my EYEBROWS!! What was I thinking? And honestly they definitely still don’t match! These pictures are all between 2010 and 2012, where I decided to go from natural never touched eyebrows to permanently ruined brows! Personal highlights include picture 4 where my eyebrows aren’t even remotely similar and picture 6 where I clearly wanted to see just how thin my eyebrows could go before they disappeared altogether. Luckily, they’re a lot better since the dark days of 2012, however they’re still patchy and will never quite match. I went to get them threaded recently, and she said to me ooh I love how wild your eyebrows are and made me feel really good (apparently I’m on trend) so I went along with what she advised and basically my eyebrows still don’t match and I don’t really have a clue what I’m doing with them, sometimes I get them bang on and get loads of compliments, other times not so much!
My actual eyebrows don’t bother me too much (the whole their supposed to be sisters not twins springs to mind), they do however cause some serious problems for me, that is winged eyeliner!! I think that my eyebrows must be different lengths so I can’t do the cat flick winged eyeliner that I so desperately want! I have literally been sure that the wings are actually at the same angle and measured them and yet they still look like they don’t match because my eyebrows are different!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!
BUY NEW CLOTHES IF YOU PUT ON WEIGHT – the squeeze isn’t a good look for anyone!
I went to Amber’s the other day, and wore my favourite leather biker trousers, I’d decided what I was going to wear and when I went to try them on (it had been a while) they didn’t quite fit! Instead of changing I squeezed my arse and thighs into them and figured it didn’t really matter because it would just be me and Amber (if I wasn’t wearing makeup did it really matter if my trousers were too tight) Yes it does! We got hungry and decided to pop to Tesco, as I got out of the car my trousers burst open, we were on the side of a busy road so I couldn’t do them up! So I covered my shame with my back pack and go in to find a quiet isle where I can discreetly do them up. Is there a quiet isle and lunch time in tesco? No there is not. So I did the shop red faced with my bag attached to my front! (this makes it very difficult to pay!) Luckily they were so tight that there was no way they would fall down!!
Maybe this will all change as I become an adultier adult, or maybe the blogging thing will encourage me to try harder, but one things for sure, if I had to pass a test in any of this ‘girl’ stuff I’d be sent packing.